4am Thoughts | Tired but Grateful

Last weekend we put up our Christmas tree and Ben turned 6 months old. These were special highlights amidst the pain of an abrasion in my eye, the stress and hassle of having works done in the house, and many other things.

After Ben’s 3am feed on Sunday morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep. I found myself overwhelmed with many thoughts, and thought I’d write what I was feeling. Writing is a very important part of my own self expression, and I wish I did it more. Looking back at what I wrote, I’m glad I took to writing because these are the things I want to remember. Here’s what I wrote:

“It’s currently 4:04 in the morning. The night is still. The world is quiet. The room is dark.

I’ve just put Ben down after a feed and a cuddle. He has no idea how precious these moments are to me. Yes, I’m tired, but I know I won’t be holding him, feeding him, snuggling him, smelling him, and falling asleep with him forever. Not for a very long time indeed. So I soak it all in.

Chris is asleep. Fast asleep. He sleeps on his right, back towards me. His breathing is heavy, just on the borderline of snoring. I love hearing him breathing. It gives me comfort.

Billie just adjusted himself in his bed. Curled up in a little ball, happy as long as he’s snuggled up and within arms’ reach of Chris.

We put up the Christmas tree last night. Our 3rd Christmas in our home. Billie’s 2nd Christmas. Ben’s First. I’m emotional, and so grateful.

Ben just cooed and changed position. His little noises warm my heart. I place my hand gently on his tummy to feel him breathing. More comfort.

My heart is warm. It is full.

These moments are everything. My boys have no idea – that in the many sleepless hours of the night, I just watch, listen, feel. And take it all in. I cry, from the exhaustion but also from the pure bursting love and pride. I wish I could go back to sleep but I know this won’t last forever. I needed to write down my thoughts. I need to let this moment, this feeling, last forever. At least in writing.

It is now 4:13. I’ll fluff my pillow, turn onto my left, stretch my arm out to hold Ben’s hand and hopefully fall asleep again, to the sound of Chris’s breathing.

There is so much else going on in our life. Things that cause us stress, anxiety, pain… But right now, all I want to think about is the immense love I feel. Problems will come and go, this I’m certain. But my family, and the love I have for my boys… That will last forever.

4:17. Good morning. Good night. x”

It’s strangely comforting to know that no matter what I’m going through and how exhausted I am, I still find a way to seek happiness in the simple things. Very often, it’s those simple things that matter the most.

I’ve always been quite a positive person and I hope that I manage to pass that on to Ben. And hey, maybe I can also inspire anyone out there who’s going through a hard time to find something that they’re grateful for. I promise there’s at least one thing. ❤

Sending love to you all, and thanks for reading!

Until next time,