Motherhood; A Bittersweet Paradox

My son turns 2 months old today, and while I cradle and comfort him as he’s a bit poorly from his jabs, I can’t help but ponder how much has happened and how far we’ve come in the past 8+ weeks.

Yesterday, I put him in a new ‘big boy’ outfit before taking him on his first trip to Gozo and we had some play/bonding time before we set off. As I held him lightly from his hands in a sitting up position on my lap, no longer needing to support his head, he looked me right in the eyes and smiled at me, a big bright beaming smile which said ‘I know you mama, and I love you’.

I smiled back, and at the same time, I cried.

There’s a lot about being a new parent that I’ve found to be extremely paradoxical. Everything is bittersweet and it’s hard to wrap my head around which emotion I’m feeling at a given moment.

I guess maybe it’s because I literally spend 24 hours a day with him that I don’t really notice him changing on a daily basis. I celebrate every new milestone, of course, but I still tend to forget how much has changed and how much he’s grown already. So as he reaches 2 months of this incredible thing called life, I stopped to think and it’s made me both happy and sad.

Overall, being a mum has so far been one of the hardest and most exhausting things I’ve ever done, but also by far the most beautiful and rewarding. And in the same way, every instance is a paradox.

When my back aches and I’m exhausted from holding him but I miss him terribly when he’s not in my arms.

When he’s (or I’m) overtired and I just want him to go to sleep but I miss him and just watch him adoringly when he does.

When he finally started taking a dummy to give me some ‘relief’, but it saddened me deeply that he can now find comfort in something other than myself.

When he’s restless and I feel frustrated but then he smiles at me and my heart turns to mush and I just smother him with kisses.

It’s been 2 months already, but at the same time it feels like a lifetime.

I love watching him develop and look forward to him growing up, but I’ll miss him being so tiny and dependent on me.

I love buying and dressing him in new clothes, but my heart crushes with every outgrown outfit that I have to pack away.

I get emotional over thoughts of his future (I already cry about his first day of school and it’s years away – heck I even cry at the thought of his first relationship, heartbreak, finishing school, becoming independent, and so much more… #psychomama) while at the same time, I swoon and tear up over the photos and videos from his first days of life.

I will hold onto these moments and feelings forever. They are not only what have made up the first 2 months of my son’s life, but also of my life as a new mother. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Right now I’m soaking it all in. All the ups and downs. All the firsts, and eventually the many lasts.

It’s a beautiful roller-coaster.

And my heart is so full. ❤️