Looking at the Cornell Case through a different lens : How were they raised?

The more I read about it, the angrier I feel. And every time an incident like this* (see below) happens, I can’t help but wonder how the perpetrators were raised. This isn’t to shift the blame or take the spotlight away from the heinous crimes that these so-called “men” have committed. But a truly good person doesn’t wake up one morning and decide to r@pe a woman. It comes from years upon years of small bad habits and accumulated harmful exposure turning them into nothing other than a monster. So we have to dig deeper and understand why this is happening, and what we can do to change and prevent it.

*If you’re not familiar with the story, in summary, a group of 7 men from Cornell university drugged and r@ped a woman for 7 hours straight, while another 50 men knew about it from a group chat and did nothing to stop it. 2 of the r@pists were expelled. The other 5 had to write an essay. (This happened in 2024 but the case has been reopened, with more details emerging.)

We need to stop asking why women are getting r@ped, and start asking and uncovering why men are r@ping women.

Too often, boys and men are excused from poor behaviour under the umbrella of “boys will be boys“, which when you think about it, is doing them a massive disservice. Men want to be portrayed as being strong – but where is the strength in being unable to control yourself in the face of ‘temptation’?

In addition to this, so many boys are raised with shame and fear, not allowed to express their feelings, not being taught how to handle rejection or disappointment, not being taught to respect the word “no”. And contradictively, very often, young kids aren’t allowed to say “no” either. They’re forced to hug a family member when they don’t want to, or keep getting tickled because they’re laughing even though they said “stop”. And too many adults don’t realise the harm and confusion that this causes.

Children who are raised to be confident, secure, safe to express themselves, make mistakes, and to approach their caregivers with tough questions or thoughts without any fear or shame… Kids who are held accountable and taught to take ownwership of their wrongdoings, apologise sincerely (through modelling from their parents), and taught how to understand right from wrong… these are not children who grow up to be abusers.

It’s the kids who feel fear and shame. The kids who are exposed to abuse, perhaps abused themselves. And never allowed to talk about it, or not believed when they do. Kids who are reduced to nothingness and find unhealthy ways to reclaim their power later on. And more often than not, it’s vulnerable women that end up being the victims.

Perhaps the original victims were the very kids who grew up to become the monsters. But the worst part? They get away with it. Again and again. And it fuels them further. They keep wanting more. They keep doing more. With no consequence other than a slap on the wrist. Forced to write an essay. Because “what about their future”?

The world is their oyster. But what about the lives of the women who have been affected? What about their future?

“It’s not all men” they say. But it’s always a man. And every woman has been harassed at some point in her life. But sure, it’s not all men.

If I had daughters, I’d be absolutely terrified to send them out into this world. Instead, I have been blessed with the immense responsibility of raising boys. Boys that will one day be men. And I’ll be damned if they’re anything other than safe, kind, and respectful to those around them. Not just that, but I’m raising them to speak up and stand up against abuse. Because those who stay silent are complicit, whether they like it or not.

Not being a criminal doesn’t make you a good person. It’s what you’re actively doing to make the world a better place that does.

So parents. Especially parents of young boys. Now is your chance.

Set firm boundaries. Love them hard. Let them cry, and hold them while they do. Teach them how to express their feelings safely. Do not accept disrespect. Do not ever confuse violence with discipline. Model taking accountability. Model sincere apologies. Model kindness. Treat each other well. Treat others well. Have the tough conversations. Even the ones about puberty, abuse, p0rn, and the manosphere. Emphasise consent. Emphasise respect. Put women upon the pedestal they deserve to be on. And for the love of God, make sure that you’re the person they can come to when your child needs to talk. Not their friends. Not the internet. You.

And not because you’ll go easy on them, but because you’ll guide them on how to set things straight.

We can’t change what’s been done. And sadly, we can’t convince all the men in the world to change. Let’s face it, they know the difference between right and wrong. Many of them just don’t care.

So let’s make sure we raise men that do.

Now back to the Cornell gang. Or indeed, any abusers ever. I’m not necessarily saying that the parents are to blame here. At the end of the day, every individual has to grow up and decide what kind of person they want to be. But that requires time, healing, maturity, and awareness. Something that so many people just don’t have.

However… do I think that the parents played a big part? Absolutely.

Women deserve better. The world deserves better.

And as parents of boys… it starts with us.