I juggle and multitask – entertaining, cradling, bathing, rushing, thinking, planning, cooking, cleaning, working, editing, laughing, crying… and on some days, I break down and feel like I can’t do it. Yet I do, every time. So I like to remind myself that I’m actually pretty awesome. Maybe this post can serve as a bit of self appreciation. We should all give ourselves more credit after all. 🙂
My days are long, exhausting, insanely busy, and sometimes mind-numbingly repetitive. Now routine is very important to me (and thus far proving to be so for Ben too), and I love being home, but when you consider that I spend around 12 hours a day alone at home with Ben and Billie (conversations aren’t particularly intellectual) it does tend to get lonely sometimes. I’m ever-grateful for technology and the ability to video call my family and friends cause that definitely contributes to my sanity these days.
I work, cause mama’s gotta make money – and thankfully I work flexibly and from home – but mama’s also got to keep things together in the house and in our lives. So in the bit of time Ben naps, I do everything I possibly can. Work, write, record, edit, clean, do laundry, cook, plan, list… it doesn’t end. “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” they say. LOL. Yeah right.
Thing is, when I really do need to sleep (because some nights are harder than others and I’m a different person on those days; ie irritable and impatient), I do, or at least I try to. But those occasions are few and far between. Aside from the fact that I really struggle to fall asleep, other things need to be done too. And not just because they need to be done, but because for my own sake, I need to do them. I need to work in a clear space. I like having clean clothes, clean sheets, clean towels. I meal plan and cook in bulk, because otherwise I won’t eat enough, and definitely not the right things either – plus it saves time and money in the long run. And I also need to just do things that make me feel like a regular person, I suppose. So doing all of these things is tiring, but at the same time, it all energises me. It’s a bit of a paradox yet it makes perfect sense.
Am I exhausted? Yes. Am I complaining? Might seem like it, but not really… I’m just sharing my thoughts.
Would I have it any other way? Absolutely not.
I am so grateful to be able to be home, raising my son. This has always been my dream, and I’m so blessed to be able to fulfil it. It’s taken a great deal of hard work from both Chris and I, and sure it takes sacrifices. But I get to be a full time mama, enjoy and witness each milestone, I know my baby and his needs inside out – and he’s got me wrapped tight around his tiny little fingers and boy, does he know it.
These days won’t last forever. Time goes by so fast. Before I know it, he won’t need me as much as he does right now. But no matter what, I want him to know that I’m always here for him when he does. And through the tears, back aches, sprained wrists, and sleepless nights, I love him more than I ever knew I was capable of loving. And I get to enjoy every waking (and sleeping) moment right by his side.
Until next time,
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