Setting a new standard for “men” because the current one is, let’s face it… shit.

I just finished watching the documentary about the Woodstock Riots (admittedly my husband started it and I only watched the last 2 episodes) and by the end, my blood was boiling and I was filled with rage.

Trigger Warning: sexual harassment

My anger was not about the riots themselves, but most specifically, about the rapes and level of harassment. My husband was somewhat taken aback by how seriously livid I was… and I can’t entirely blame him because he didn’t really grow up around many girls or women. And it made me realise how different our lives have been, just because of the cards we’ve been dealt; AKA our gender.

I never considered myself to be a raging feminist, but over recent years I’ve started to understand it more. And as a woman in my 30s who is responsible for raising two boys, I realise how desperately I want to change the narrative for what it means to be a man. Because until now, the generalised idea of “men” is pretty shit.

Now before you jump at me or tell me that “it’s not all men” – I KNOW. That’s not my point. But let me dive into something incredibly vulnerable just to explain the fuel to my fire.

From a very young age, my privacy was disrespected and my innocence ruptured.

At the age of 9, I was shown and told about things that I was far too young to know.

When I was about 10 years old, a boy around my age; the son of family friends, was running around naked for no good reason and rubbed his penis on my leg. I was wearing my favourite trousers, I remember asking my mum to throw them away.

When I was 12, a grown man was staring straight at me while publicly “relieving himself” at a bus stop.

When I was in my early teen years, it all went further downhill. I was told by boys that I was a “butter head”, “hide the face, f*ck the base”, and that I had “the body of a hot 25 year old but the face of an ugly 12 year old”.

When I was 14 I was groomed by a man in his late twenties. I never realised it was grooming until a few years ago, round about when I turned 30. I won’t go into further details, but there’s a heavy weight from this that I still carry.

Throughout my teen years, I was groped by strangers and had my hair pulled at several times. I was also followed home by two men once. I was terrified.

When I was 21, a man I didn’t know tried to kiss me because he assumed I wanted it. I was just having a conversation with him about music.

When I was 25, I was touched inappropriately by an elder colleague at the workplace. This led to a mental health spiral and I ended up unemployed because I couldn’t go back to the office without breaking down.

There were several other instances along the way which I won’t mention because they’re just too private.

And all the while of course, as any other woman would know, frequent cat calling and being offered sex by random ‘men’ as I’d pass by, no matter how I looked or even if I had my son with me.

I was sexualised from a very young age, and not only was that generally damaging for my body image but it also led me to believe – for a painfully long time – that that was just the role I had to play, and sadly this also caused me to make some very poor choices in my most vulnerable years, many of which still haunt me till this day.

Each of these instances instilled more fear in me, but also so much shame. Shame for things I didn’t do. For things I never wanted or asked for.

So when I say the idea of “men” disgusts me, there’s decades of buildup leading to this. And the sad part? I could easily be considered one of the lucky ones, cause it “wasn’t even that bad.”

Is this where the bar is set? Shouldn’t we all be collectively more enraged?

But you know the part that really gets to me… it’s the significant role that parents have played in all of this.

Most boys were never allowed to express emotions or taught to appropriately regulate themselves. They’re told to be strong but have a completely warped idea of what strength really is. The whole “boys will be boys” narrative is appalling when you think about it. So many boys have been (and are still being) raised to get away with anything, entitled, spoiled, unable to understand basic respect (and the word “no”), zero concept of consent, zero emotional intelligence, zero boundaries, and inadequate or ineffective consequences. And honestly it pisses me off.

So damn right I’m obsessed with how I’m parenting my boys. I don’t know if I’ll ever be blessed with a daughter – but I have been blessed with two amazing sons, and I’m making sure to raise them in a way that no one else’s daughter would ever feel anything other than safe and respected around them. Setting the bar DAMN high and not accepting or condoning anything that doesn’t line up with (what I believe should be) basic human values.

Because as the saying goes, if you’re complacent, you’re complicit.

As parents, it’s our job to make sure our kids grow up to be good people.

And I take my job damn seriously.