How can you miss someone you’re with all the time? | Adapting to life as a Mom of 2

This evening, the same as every night, I went to check on my 4 year old before I got to bed, and whisper “good night baby, I love you” – cause I believe the brain is always listening. This time, something told me to reach for his hand. As I did, he squeezed my finger. And when I walked out of his room, I burst into tears.

Note: This was written when I was 3 months postpartum, a few weeks before my 4yo went off to preschool.

How is it possible to miss someone you’re with all the time?

I guess it must be, because I miss him. So much. And I miss my baby too. Which sounds bizarre because I spend all day with them. I’m with them both practically 24/7 and yet I feel like I hardly get any proper time with either of them. And I feel so bad.

My baby gets most of my body, my 4yo gets most of my brain. But then there’s also food to be cooked, clothes to be washed, a home to be cleaned – and it’s so easy for people to suggest ignoring the housework to spend time with them… but then what?

Having a mess or dirt everywhere makes me more anxious and therefore less present. And if I don’t cook or do laundry or any of the other things that need doing, then we’re screwed. Sometimes things can wait, sure, but only so much.

My big boy starts school again in a few weeks after 4 months at home. 4 months of being together all day every day… and yet I feel like I’ve hardly spent any proper time with him.

He tells me he misses me. I tell him “we’ve been together all day, silly sausage!”

But I know. I miss him too. I wink at him and give him a kiss. “I miss you too, my baby boy.”

He’s great at articulating how he feels. “I love having a baby brother but sometimes I wish he could go back into your tummy for a bit so you can play with me.”

Guilt, pride, pity, heartache – all at once.

I feel bad for all the new restrictions. To be more quiet, to be more careful, to not do this or that around the baby. Baby is sleeping, baby needs a feed, baby is unsettled and just needs mama. But my big boy sometimes just needs mama too and I can’t always give myself to him. 😦

And at the same time, I feel bad for my baby because even though I hold him pretty much all day, I don’t feel like I can truly bond with him and give him the attention he needs either.

At the end of the day, when my husband is getting our 4yo to sleep (the only time they get to spend together), I look at my baby – who’s been in my arms all day – and realise how much I miss him too.

It’s like I’m split in two but neither part of me is actually fully anywhere. With them all day yet hardly truly with them at all.

So I’ll keep trying, to find even small moments where I can connect with my boys. Fill their mama cup because I know (and love) how much they need me.

And hope that they both know how much I love (and need) them too. ❤️